Mother Knows Best
by Albus Pegasus
Summary: Have you washed your ears? Have you changed your socks? Did you eat enough? You never phone me! Not even a card on my brithday! I could be dead for all you cared! But that's okay. I still love you. You should marry! But not with that redhead. She's no good for my little Shinji. Separate rooms? Hah! I know what you're doing in your "separate rooms." I may be old, but I'm not senile!


"You know, Shinji, they never let me out for anything but fights. You see, I'm just too expensive in energy, and I'm huge, and dangerous, and _damn_ does this armour look creepy. It's like The Joker became a friggin samurai. Do you know who The Joker is?"

Shinji hesitated. "...Someone who tells jokes, I suppose? Or wasn't that a card of some sort?"

"_You_ are the card, son!" Shinji could feel her amusement at her own pun. He felt a pang of compassion, and then he noticed himself feeling the pang of compassion, and then he started to panic about it because his mom was _bound_ to notice, and what if she felt insulted, and her wrath could be terrible to feel, and—"Son, don't you _dare_ being _scared of pitying me_! That's just—"Frustration, then bitter resignation. "You know how some mothers really wish they could communicate better with their children? I fear that we have the same problem. Look—I'm here out of my own, free will. And you had better squash that rising curiosity, Shinji, before it grows, because, until this is over, I'm not telling you anything. Mum's the word!"

Shinji tried to resist. He couldn't. That pun was bad. It was _so_ bad, it was good. He started to laugh.

"That's right, Shinji, laugh at your mother! No, laugh _for_ your mother! You know your mother can't laugh in this body, don't you? For one thing, it sounds as if a Tyrannosaurus was having a panic attack!"

At that, Shinji was _howling_. They spent some time, like that. The team responsible for monitoring the synch tests was probably watching all of it, freaking out. However, Gendou had probably given them explicit instructions not to spoil Yui's fun.

Back when Shinji had come, he was in complete despair about ever meeting his wife again, barring that awful plan he had been carrying out for a decade. He thought that it was the only way to meet with her consciousness again. All attempts at communication had failed, all hosts had been rejected.

And then, when he had brought Shinji in to fight the Third Angel, putting his own child in ham's way for the sake of the plan, the impossible had happened. The child testified to having heard the voice of his mother, in the cockpit, while unconscious, screaming for him to wake up, asking them if he was okay. At first, it was dismissed as a hallucination, but then, during the next training session.

"Identify target. Lock on. Pull trigger."

Akagi encouraged him "You're doing well, Shinji."

"Identify target. Lock on. Pull trigger."

BLAM

"Identify target. Lock on. Pull trigger."

BLAM

"Identify target. Lock on. Pull tri—"

"ENOUGH ALREADY! What kind of training is this? How in the world does _anyone_ think this would be useful for the next battle? What gives you the impression that the next Angel will repeat the same patterns as this one? And what's the _point_ of arming me with _scaled up firearms, against things with AT fields?_ This is my _son's life_ you're toying with, Akagi-kun! And also the fate of all of humanity! There is _no excuse_ for such _blatant incompetence!_"

Only Shinji had heard her.

"Oh. It appears that I slipped."

Shinji gave one of his trademark screams.

"Calm down, son! ... WILL YOU CALM DOWN, SHINJI IKARI!"

Shinji abruptly stopped: his eyes wide, his mouth open.

"That's right, now if you'd pl-" She never got to finish that sentence; the personnel, unaware of what had just happened, fearing for Shinji's sanity, had emergency-ejected the young man. Some explanations and arguments later, he was allowed to get back in.

They had a long conversation.

Soon thereafter, Gendou was informed.

You could tell that he was shocked out of his wits, because he went _completely poker faced_.

He requested that Shinji serve as an intermediary. Some cryptic questions and answers later, he ascertained that it was, without a doubt, Yui Ikari.

They had a long conversation, the three of them.

As it turns out, Yui could hide nothing from Shinji, and vice versa. They talked him into the Plan. It was a very horrifying plan, as plans went, and so it took quite a lot of persuasion skills to get the child to agree. But he did.

He knew everything about the Plan. He knew everything about the EVA—well, except for the really hard sciency stuff; that he could read his mother's mind didn't mean that he understood everything in it. He knew all about the other pilots, about his commanding officers, about NERV and GEHIRN and the Council, at least up to his mother's assimilation. Neither of them knew if they could trust Gendou to tell them everything, at that point.

He didn't seem to take it personally. You could tell, because his expression did not change. Well, except that by then it had that uncanny warm smile struck all over it. He looked like a child who finally got his pony. Scratch that, he looked like an adult who'd just rediscovered that ponies are adorable. After that day, NERV would never be the same.

Finally, God help them, the three agreed to continue with the Plan... with some drastic modifications, in the wake of Yui's awakening.

They talked about Yui's time in the Eva.

It transpired that Yui Ikari was sort-of-asleep most of the time. She wasn't quite unconscious; there was pain. Constant, dull, endless pain. The pain had gotten sharper a couple of times, she didn't know precisely why. From her descriptions, it corresponded with the times people other than Shinji were put in her 'womb'. That's what she jokingly called the Entry Plug.

The pain had made her a little bit cranky, and more than a little bit snarky.

Then came Shinji, and it felt like waking after too long. Then came the fight. "I couldn't move. I felt so dull, so lethargic." the pain "Anyone here had a spear of white-hot iron stabbed in the eye and out the other side of your skull? Didn't think so.", the fear "My son was unconscious. That was all I knew, at the time. I could only scream for him to wake up.", the desperate wrath "I didn't think. It had to die. It had to suffer, too, but, mostly, **it had to die.**", the indignant surprise at the Angel's last maneuver, "Cute little Angels, they display the most amazing tricks, don't they?", the pain again, "I got really burned on that deal.", then, after the dust settled, the fear again. As she gazed upon her own reflection in the mirror-like towers of glass, both Shinji and her came to respective, sudden realizations, too horrifying to register consciously. There was a scream, and then they both shut down.

They both had trouble getting used to their strange predicament, though. It was especially hard for Yui to accept that her own son be sent on such life-threatening missions. She asked after the pilot of unit 02, who had already been practicing with her robot. She'd insisted that she'd never heard any voices in her machine.

"Shinji, I've got to talk to you about this other pilot girl—"

"You've been sifting though my private thoughts again. You can't help yourself, _can_ you? Could it be that you're jealous?"

"You _know_ I can't. And I'm _not_."

"You know, Shinji, about this privacy thing?"

"Yes"

"I can't help but be happy about talking with you again. I had gone catatonic, in this thing. And I've missed you so."

"So did I. You have no idea."

"But you still find it annoying, when I'm rummaging through your thoughts like I do, right? I mean, I _could_ refrain from explicitly talking to you about it, but my mind is as transparent to yours as yours is to mine, while you're here."

"Continue with that train of thought, and I might feel tempted to come here less often."

What Shinji felt then was the mother of all motherly stern gazes. One hears legends about the guilt trips the Jewish Mother can lay unto her son, but, without saying a single word, Yui Ikari had just outperformed them all. Shinji felt _despicable_, and his mother wasn't showing any signs of satisfaction or smugness at that. She felt _completely_ entitled to his shame, and for good reason. What a thing to say to his poor mother, who was reduced to a tetraplegic, thoughtless vegetable whenever he wasn't around? How _dare_ he suggest that he would abandon her, just to spare himself some embarrassment and some nagging? Her disapproval finally subsumed, to be replaced by a cordial warmth.

"Do you know about the Hedgehog's Dilemma, son?" she softly verbalized.

"No."

"Hedgehogs are cold in the winter. They want to huddle together, for warmth. But the closer they get, the more they're in danger of skewering each other with those barbed spikes of theirs."

"...You know, mom, ever since you left, I've never felt close to anyone, in any way. Now, all of a sudden, we're closer together than any mother and son have any right to be. Sometimes, being with you is troublesome. Case in point, ever since you mentioned hedgehogs, there's this _amazingly impertinent_ song playing in the back of your head."

"You know what, son, how about we stop acting like prudes about it all and just acknowledge each other for who we are?"

"Shall we just laugh it all off?"

"How about we _sing_ it off, instead, my cutesy wootsy hedgehog baby?"

"Mom."

"My wooby dooby schmoopsy woopsy cutie hoppy sugar." She was laying it think _on purpose_, the old hag!

"Mom, you're giving me diabetes!"

She took a mock-stern tone. "Okay, son. Ready to sing?"

"**Yes, Ma'm**'"

"A one! A two! A one two three four!

They got interrupted more than once, by each other's cuckles mostly. And they had a good laugh at the end.

"Wow, that was a hoot!"

"Yeah, mom... Hey, that song isn't the same you had in mind earlier!"

"The first was more of a solo thing, but since you were joining in I thought of using a polyphonic version."

"But they sound nothing alike!"

"Shush, hedgehog!"

"And the mental images! What's with that centaur?"

"My imagination, going wild. Now, let's talk about those _girls_, shall we? Piece of advice number one; don't stick in the crazy! Trust me on that one!"

"You're just jealous! You want me all for yourself! You're so happy about getting your baby back... you just couldn't stand... to lose him again. Look, I know how you feel, but you're being irrational!"

"You know I am, and so do I. But we also also both know it doesn't make what I said any less true."

"But I want to help her Asuka so _bad!"_

"No, you're just overcome with a mix of pity and lust and an addiction to the emotional joyrides she makes you go through. You want her to love and appreciate you. She gives an image of high self-esteem and acts like her approval is something scarce, a prize to be fought for and won. Which is _idiotic_. That just ain't healthy!"

"I can't help how I feel. Plus, _she_ can actually hug me, and it feels warm and cozy."

Shinji felt a deep sense of warmth and coziness.

"How about a mental hug? Isn't it even better than the 'real' thing?"

"Mom?"

"Shush, little hedgehog. Time to rest."

"But I can't _sleep_ in this thing, woman! I—" The warmth was overwhelming. He— "Wait, and what about Rei?"

"Hush now. Later, we'll talk about your sister."


End file.
